5 Things I’m Fine With My Daughter Getting Suspended Over

My junior high experience was like living through a neocon reboot of Lord Of The Flies . Teenaged boys rampaged through the hallways, rippling their tiny naked dicks and defining fires while we girlfriends sat through lecturings, preparing for an anxiety-ridden, people-pleasing living for genetic inferiority. So you can’t guess the relief I experienced when I found out the school my daughter was going to was one of those modern ones where sacrificing both swine and fellow students was frowned upon.

Until I realized that because of the strictness of those rules, two daughters was going to be the one getting in trouble … and that I was surprisingly okay with that. So as odd as it may seem, I’ve come up with a listing of things I’m entirely fine with her get temporarily suspend …


Depicting A Little Extra Skin … On Her Shoulders

Ah, the early teenage years, when you can suddenly wake up in the morning six inches taller, with your flailing extremities stretched out like Groot’s. Then you get to go into a school system so haunted with hiding every possibly offensive part of your growing body that you can be sent home, because the exact same clothes you wore literally a few weeks ago now indicate an inch more shoulder.

The whole obsession with shaping people cover their shoulders( and for non-parents, yes, this is a thing) for fear of distracting God, their peers and legislators, is so chic that by the time such articles comes out, culture will have already moved on to obscuring a woman’s elbows and inducing us churn our own butter. But until then, every mother knows the fright of hearing the phone hoop and worrying it could be The Bawl: “I’m sorry, Mrs Clearly Neglectful Parent, but we’re sending your daughter home from school for showing too much shoulder.”

“What? ” you say, grasping at your pearl. “But we quantified her shoulders with the handy shoulder graph ruler you sent home last week, and burned all tops which didn’t fall within the three-and-five-quarters-inch guidelines.”

“Judging by our records, her shoulders appear to have grown by three 100 ths of an inch since yesterday, which puts her clearly over the line.”

Look, I’m not saying she should be allowed to show up to academy wearing a G-string bikini or form paint, but holy shit. Don’t build “shoulder math” a part of our weekly procedure. Unless her exposed shoulders are inducing people to burst into flames, can we agree to call that one a non-issue, please?


Playing … You Know, The Way Kids Do

Here is a very real roster of things my daughter’s class has been banned from doing at recess 😛 TAGEND


-Kicking a ball

-Throwing a ball

-Climbing on the clambering frame

-Doing chin-ups on the chin-up bar

-Skipping rope

-Touching the trees

-Any game that involves touching each other

Besides that, anything travels. She says they get a lot out of their rousing games of “maintaining a strict six-inch interval from each other while going very slowly in a circle.”

I swear, I’m not one of those “anti-PC” people who consider “the worlds” should be released from the freedom-destroying tractions of politeness. But do we really have to go so far in the other direction that the kids become a Pink Floyd song?

Here’s an idea: Stop the actual inappropriate contact when it happens, and maybe don’t set a blanket ban on literally every kids’ game ever invented? I’m not under the illusion that this is an easy thing to do, but the solution to playground problems isn’t to annihilate the entire level of a playground. That’s what study hall and Prison Preparation class is for.


Rejecting To Dress Like An Abominable Kenny

Sorry, Middle and Southern America, but I’m going to talk to a non-you audience for a sec.

In Canada, it was able to randomly “ve decided to” snow any day between October and goddamn April, specially if everyone was in shorts the day before, because the Canadian weather deities are temperamental gits.

The school has a very strict policy about snow: You’re not allowed anywhere near it unless you’re wearing a full snowsuit — with snow gasps . Let that sink in a few moments. Adolescents aren’t permitted near snow unless they look like a cross between Kenny and the little brother from A Christmas Story .

Now take yourself back to being 14, with your torn blue jeans and puffy orange Marty McFly time traveler vest( yeah, I get it, I’m old-time ), and envisage being told that once the snowfall falls, it was necessary to spend every recess standing by the front door like the huddled mass reject of society until you agree to slide those sweet, sweet jeans into a shiny snowsuit that establishes squeaky, high-pitched fart clangs whenever you walk.

I don’t know about you, but I’d have stood in my tiny patch of asphalt every goddamn recess for infinity before giving in and putting on a pair of those bad boys. And if my daughter does the same, I will 100 percent have her back.


Reading During Recess

I don’t know about you, but my teenaged life improved dramatically at 16 when I detected the magical of something called “The Geeky Loser Room.” It was a place where people with dark eyeliner and black fingernails curled up with Tolkien books or huddled over notebooks writing morose poetry and describing gloom, distorted comic strips. People gathered in clusters to play the dice game forbidden in my childhood, the one involving prisons and flying mythical creatures. I don’t remember what it’s called. Candy Land ? Yeah, it’s likely Candy Land .

But at my daughter’s school, sitting inside and doing quiet things at recess is ban. Wouldn’t want to miss out on any of that precious shuffling period, would we? You know what else is forbidden? Delivering a book outside with you at recess.

Teenagers can’t be trusted with volumes. They might injure themselves or other people with them. They might plummet them in the snowfall an inch outside the safety clique where the fact that no one is of them are wearing snow gasps means it’ll be lost to them forever.

It’s not just books, though. Notebooks, video games, fidget spinners, cellphones … all banned. Fine. I can see why some of those aren’t let, and I’ll respect those rules. But the working day she gets sent home for smuggling a contraband print of Pride And Prejudice And Zombies into the playground under her flowing blue-blooded muumuu will be one of the most wonderful periods of my life.


Proceeding Vigilante

“What do I do when someone tries to grab my breasts? ” my daughter questions. “Like , not actually grab them. Because of the no-touching principle. He only bends over the table during group occasion, throws his thumbs genuinely, really close near by breasts in class when the teacher’s not gazing, and pretends to honk them.”

This is a parent’s nightmare, irrespective of the sex of the child, because your first instinct is to tell them, “Remember the Nazi punch I taught you last week? We’re going to somewhat modify the posture for this one.” The other place is telling you, “OK, this is where I teach them about how to speak to adults about grave situation like this.”

What resulted in real life was a mixture of the two, and it travelled something like this 😛 TAGEND

“Slap his hand away and tell him to leave you the inferno alone and stop being such a dumbass, or you’ll kick him in the projectiles, ” I said, lending the wisdom that has been passed down since the first tribal medication girl drew detailed instructions on the cave wall on how to induce maximum ache for a man’s nether regions.

“I’ll get suspended for that, ” she said.

“For what? For slapping his hands away or threatening to kick him in the nutsack? “

“Both, ” she said miserably. “Katniss got temporarily suspend kneeing Braxton. And Elsa was expelled for threatening to damage Olaf.”

“Hang on. First, why are the children called that? Second, how is threatening to hurt someone worse than actually suffering them? “

“She held up a plastic knife on a field trip and threatened to cut his balls off with it.”

“OK fine, then tell a teach, ” I said, fully convinced that if I flailed long enough, I’d reached the right answer. “Walk right up to the teacher and tell them exactly what he did.”

“I can’t do that! If I do that, I have to give up lunch to sit through guided arbitration in the Caring and Sharing Room! I’ll have to explain to him and two educators how his pretending to touch my breasts induces me feel. And then he gets to explain how that stimulates him seem. And then the teachers talk about how they experience. And then we go over it again and again and again until I give up and sign a piece of paper saying it’s resolved. And then he’ll is accurate back in the Caring and Sharing Room again tomorrow with some other girlfriend because it has snacks and flogs going in a clique beside the snow.”

Look, I definitely crave her to resolve this thing with actual adults who know how to handle it without violence. I want both her and that little shithead to come out of it learning something positive. But I’m telling you right now that if the teaches, myself, and the kid’s parents can’t solve the situation, I’m absolutely fine with her busting out a spin-kick as a last resort.

Mags Storey is improbably thankful to all the incredibly hard-working both teachers and professors, who didn’t stimulate the stupid regulations they’re stuck impose. Mags likewise writes books about carnage and kissing, and likes to be riled by strangers on Twitter .

Use these to communicate with your child during their vigilante schoolyard mission. Let “baby bird” know when she needs to “return to the nest.”

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Read more: http :// www.cracked.com/ blog/ 5-things-im-fine-with-my-daughter-getting-suspended-over /

Teacher Cancels Class For Beyonce’s Birthday And Becomes A Hero On Twitter

There are members of the Beyhive in almost all business around the world. Odds are a lawyer, a medical doctor, or even a teacher has angrily left bee emojis on the social media accounts of those who dare disrespect Queen Bey. But it isn’t all negative. Beyhive members also take certain vacations very seriously, like this teacher who cancelled class for Beyonce’s birthday.

That’s right, tribes: A teacher’s syllabus has gone viral because — aside from having important exam and class journey dates on the syllabus — they’ve rostered Monday, Sept. 4, as a day off given the fact that on that day 36 years ago, Beyonce was born. Those who aren’t members of such Beyhive will recognize Monday, Sept. 4 as Labor Day, but patently, these people do not have their priorities in order.

The hilarious tweet was posted to Twitter on Aug. 29, and since then, the post has gone insanely viral with over 25 thousand likes, nine thousand retweets, and countless hysterical notes from other members of the Beyhive — who like this teach — probably would’ve done the same thing.

See the tweet below and try not to relate to it too much.

“Me as a teacher when I present my students the class syllabus.”

Honestly, I would’ve given the entire week off if I were this teacher.

“Needs to say’ no work’”

The syllabus may not say “no work” but there’s also no work on this day.

“So I guess I’m going there for uni…”

If I were still in academy, I’d emphatically look for this teacher.


“Queen of teaching.”

Someone get this teacher a crown!

Having this day off in the name of Bey will totally compensate for the fact that she didn’t make an appearance at the VMAs. We can take this day and binge watch and finally memorize that choreography.

Happy Bey day!

Read more: http :// elitedaily.com/ social-news/ teacher-cancels-class-beyonces-birthday-becomes-hero-twitter/ 2060384 /~ ATAGEND